so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
