Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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