So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
