I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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