The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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