My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
