the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
