I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
