Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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