Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How naked do you want me to be?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
