The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Those nachos came to me in a dream
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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