By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
