I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
