I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
