the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
