Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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