So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
