I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
