the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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