This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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