oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
