I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
