You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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