her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
