how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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