at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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