nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
