Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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