the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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