Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
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do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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