You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
