I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
