I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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