1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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