Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
