she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
