I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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