And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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