she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
