I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
