What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
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Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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