can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just blew my weed a kiss
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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