I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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