the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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