I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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