He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
