Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
