mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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