stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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