I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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