I CAN MOONWALK!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
