Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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