Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
