I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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