she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
