He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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