I should be sponsored by Trojan
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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