Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I CAN MOONWALK!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
